Not every single woman is sad, lonely and desperate. In fact, she could be far happier than her married sisters who are saddled with childcare, in-laws, third parties or a spouse she never really loved.
YOU’RE such a great girl, how come you’re single? Won’t you feel lonely when you’re old and don’t have children to look after you? Don’t worry ... you’ll get married someday.”
Over the years, my single friends and I (we’re in our 20s and 40s) have noticed something peculiar: married people are deemed to have achieved something more than the “doomed” singles. It is as if their lives are somehow complete with a partner.
Never mind that some of these couples are cheating on each other, live lives filled with tension and drama, or continue to have children even though their marriage is shaky. All that matters to society is that they have tied the knot.
Then again, how can we blame anyone when we have movie heroes telling their lady love, “You complete me” (Tom Cruise to Renee Zellweger in Jerry McGuire). The message driven home is that men and women are incomplete unless they have a special someone in their lives.
American psychologist and author Florence Falk posed a question in her powerful book, On My Own: “How is it that even the most apparently self-assured woman feels inadequate without a man?”
Falk believes that, encouraged by society, all too many of us assume a woman alone must be miserable or, worse, deserves to be.
Happily married girlfriends hope that you’ll find the love of your life while those who are unhappily hitched (or have partners) will sigh, “How lucky you are to be single, with your freedom and peace of mind, minus the hassle and heartache.”
I decided long ago that until I meet someone who “completes me” in the way I feel is right for me, I will not hold my breath or make a decision based on economics, convenience or fear.
A very sensible thirtysomething girlfriend (who divorced and subsequently found real love) says there are two things in life that you should never trust – electronics and men. Once a woman embraces this mantra, she will find partial nirvana, she believes.
Another intuitive fortysomething who is in her second marriage launches annual reminders to single friends to not settle for less than what they expect. Because once you do, there is a price to pay.
On the other hand, there’s the twentysomething who tells me that she jumps from one relationship to another because she’s too terrified of being alone.
Seriously, there are marriages or partnerships in which the couples are clearly meant for each other and they live happily together. Then there are those that are a stark reminder to the single woman that she may not be missing much.
Why do women end up being single?
Sometimes it’s by choice; sometimes she has no choice. And, like it or not, destiny has a hand in this.
To quote Carrie Bradshaw in the romantic comedy Sex and the City, “Some people are settling down, some people are settling and some people refuse to settle for anything less than butterflies.”
Settling means accepting a partner who is less than what one strongly believes in, in terms of intellectual compatibility, sense of responsibility, habits, attitude, morality and maturity.
There is no such thing as a perfect relationship, but if a woman settles solely because of her fears and insecurities, there will be consequences.
A woman may not choose to settle down because she does not want to make use of a man whom she likes but doesn’t love. Perhaps she hasn’t figured herself out yet. Or, she knows exactly what she does not want in a relationship!
Where we are in our lives and how we feel are a result of how deeply we’ve reflected and whether we have been honest – about who we are, what we want and what we can live with.
Being single is not a trouble-free journey, but the discerning woman knows that even if she is in a relationship, she is not exempt from feelings of isolation. So she relishes her independence even more.
Sure, the single woman can survive very well on her own. But what would she do for intimacy?
In today’s more liberal world, some “sign on” with friends with benefits, or adopt Woody Allen’s approach of, “I’m such a good lover because I practise a lot on my own.” The alternative is abstinence.
A thirtysomething single girlfriend who signed on with a friend with benefits reveals that their “relationship” is purely physical and confined to the bed; they never meet up or spend time together anywhere else.
Well, if that works for you, by all means. But if it doesn’t, heed what a wise woman once said: “You can never always have great sex, but you can always find a great massage.”
* Sandra has lost count of the men who lost her at hello, but she’s keeping an open heart and mind – even though she’s secretly infatuated with Joel Stein.
No comments:
Post a Comment